My Life
by Catherine4
Summary: Abby - Seriously angsty and dramatic. Will probably offend Lubies greatly! Beware!!!!!


Everything was great. Things were going right for the first time in along while and I had to go and screw it all up. Typical.  
  
That's the story of my life, isn't it? Good old Abby, can always be relied on to mess everything up. Want your life ruined? You know where to go!  
  
It's been the same ever since I was a kid. Dad wasn't around, Mom kept getting sick and then having to look after Eric. My life was just one big crappy mess and there was nothing I could do to change it.  
  
That was only the start of it, everything just went downhill from there. I knew when I met Richard that it was never really going to work out, I just jumped at the first chance I had to get away from my Mom and all the responsibility I had to deal with and marriage seemed like the easy way out. What did I know?  
  
It was doomed from 'I do'. Well, not exactly. I was great to begin with. But then we got to know each other. We always got on fine, but the romance just faded. It was my fault really. After I had the abortion, I just stopped talking. I never told him what was wrong, so he gave up asking. We just drifted apart.  
  
Then came the one other big shadow from my past. I don't blame Richard, not really. It's not his fault I'm the way I am, he just helped me along the way. It was my own bad choices that lead me to drink. My lack of control over every situation I came into contact with is the only thing that's to blame. My complete and utter inability to deal with everything.  
  
But then everything was great. Well, as great as anything involving me could be. I'd divorced Richard. Ok, it wasn't exactly amicable but at least I was free. I was doing a job I loved around people I loved and I seriously thought it was all behind me.  
  
I should have known better. Nothing ever stays good for long.  
  
But Carter seemed to make everything seem ok. He had a way of making me forget everything bad around me was happening and made me feel like I was the only person alive, the only one in his life that mattered.  
  
I had fought the attraction for so long, afraid to let anyone get close to me again. I could tell he wanted me. God, I wanted him too, but I just couldn't bring myself to let my guard down. I didn't want to set myself up to be knocked down yet again.  
  
Then it happened. It was wonderful. That one kiss in a hot, sweaty trauma room that led to the best year of my life. It was fantastic while it lasted, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. It was my fault, I pushed him away. I made up some excuse about him not trusting me and nagging me about my drink but the truth was, I got scared.  
  
I loved him, I really did. I didn't start drinking because I was depressed, or for any of the other reasons I told him. I was testing him, to see if he'd still want me if I was the way I was before.  
  
It was stupid and childish, I can see that when I look back now but I had to see. I guess I just pushed him too far.  
  
After that I started drinking again. It was just a few pints when I went out with the girls. It was proper, full on drinking. Seeing him everyday, every single time I turned a corner just got to me. I could see the hurt in his eyes and knowing that I caused that was more than I could bear.  
  
It didn't seem to affect our work all that much, although our colleagues could tell something was up and no one spoke a word when we were in the room together. But all in all, I think we handled it ok. Until that one day. Our squabbling had cost someone their life. I just couldn't cope. And then there was that other problem.  
  
He must have been stronger than me; he didn't slip back into his addiction. But I did, big time.  
  
It was that addiction that put me in this whole mess I'm in now. A few stupid pints at a grotty, sleazy bar that threw me head first into this hell that I couldn't get out of.  
  
I met Luka there. In the same sorry situation that I was in and old feelings of lust began to resurface. I don't really know what happened that day. He'd had a run in with Weaver or something, I don't know, we were too busy ripping each other's clothes off to really pay attention to what was happening. Even if he had told me, I probably wouldn't remember what happened, one of the fortunate side effects of getting pissed out of your skull.  
  
He must've been better off, cos I got home somehow. I woke up the next morning and he had already gone, in his place was a scribbled note saying he had to go to work. Not other comments, not slight indication of what he was feeling, he'd just gone. I just got up and went to work the same as usual, but I couldn't help all these indecipherable questions rushing through my brain.  
  
He was at the hospital of course, pretending like nothing had happened. I understood how Chuny felt after her night with him; I'd just thought she was over reacting. When we were seeing each other, properly before, I could never have imagined he could ever act like such a jerk as he did in the few weeks after that night. He was a far cry from the sweet, caring man I had fallen in love with.  
  
I wanted so much to turn to Carter, to break down in his arms and tell him everything that was on my mind, for him to hold me and tell me everything was going to be ok like he did before. But I could see the resent in his eyes when he looked at me, I could tell he hated me for going back to Luka so soon after him.  
  
He didn't seem to see that I still loved him. That going back to Luka was only a pathetic attempt to ease some of the pain he'd caused. But he just didn't see, and I wasn't going to let him know I was pining after him. Susan was great, she tried to help, but I couldn't admit all of my feelings to her, I just couldn't. I'd never been very good at sharing my feelings.  
  
If I hadn't have been so stubborn, maybe I would be happy now instead of feeling like this.  
  
Oh, but wait, there was more. If that wasn't bad enough then you just wait. If the Gods of fate hadn't quite screwed up my life enough already, they sure as hell did then.  
  
I was pregnant. Yes, I know. Having a baby is usually a time for great joy and celebration but I've never had anything in my life to celebrate. I couldn't get rid of it, I was certain of that. I'd already killed one of my kids, I couldn't do that again. Looking back now, I was just selfish. I could barely hold my own life together, let alone care for a child. But I wouldn't change that decision for a second, having that child was the best thing that ever happened to me, even if it had only been for a short while.  
  
The baby was Carter's I was sure of that. I'd suspected long before that night with Luka that I was pregnant, I just didn't want to admit it. Susan noticed though, and forced me to take the test. I did so under protest. I'd learnt from experience that denial was the best way to cope. Drinking myself into oblivion a close second.  
  
When the result was positive, I pretended through gritted teeth that I was happy. Her first instincts told her that it was Carter's, but I couldn't tell the truth. There was one awful moment when she spotted that look on my face and she asked me flat out whose it was. I said Luka. Why the hell, I have no idea. I guess it was just the easiest, and less messy way out. I kept the details conveniently blurry, I only told her what she needed to know.  
  
I managed to convince her I was telling the truth. I don't know why I kept up this pretense so long, I could've saved all those years of bottling up that secret and got on with my life.  
  
Susan pressured me to tell Luka. She meant well, but I could've really done without it. I finally did tell him and he just stood there. It was in the lounge at work, probably not the best situation to drop something like that on someone but I just blurted it out in my usual tactful way.  
  
I can't blame him for acting the way he did; I didn't exactly give him a reason to want to stick around. He still proposed to me though, a few months later. I'm not sure why. I have a strong suspicion Susan had something to do with it but I never asked.  
  
Telling Carter was the worst thing about it. Luka decided to announce everything to the staff at once. I could see Carter's hurt as he announced the news and I couldn't stand it. I should have told him first, I would've given a chance. I've always put things off, and it always leads to someone along the line being in pain.  
  
I hardly even talked to Carter after that, not personally anyway, and even at work one of us would leave the room when the other walked in. We never worked on a trauma after that.  
  
I just plodded along with Luka. He was reluctant at first, but he eventually came round to the idea of becoming a father, not that I really wanted him too. All I wanted, more than anything was for him to leave so I could be with Carter and we could be a family.  
  
Yeah right. Even if Luka did leave, would Carter really take me back?  
  
For 9 months, Carter was all I thought about. I plodded along with Luka. It was ok, he was nice to me. But he wasn't what I really wanted. Carter was. I think Luka knew that, but he never said anything or let on that he knew, maybe it was just my paranoia.  
  
Even at the birth, with Luka holding my hand, I still wanted Carter.  
  
But as soon as Paige was born, it all changed. I was sitting in that hospital bed with this tiny little person in my arms and everything was different. I stopped pining after Carter and really tried to make things work with Luka, for my daughter's sake.  
  
Wanting Carter was completely and utterly selfish. I was only thinking of myself. I was blinded by my desire to be with him, totally ignoring the fact that I royally screwed up any chance I had with him the minute told Luka the baby was his.  
  
We did our best at playing happy families, in public at least. But there was always this uncertainty bubbling under the surface. We never let it get in the way or Paige; she had a happy childhood, for then at least. But one feeling plagued me in our marriage from the word go. I knew I was pregnant with another man's child when I married him.  
  
It must've shown through, but we coped. For 5 years we muddled through, contented. I was happy, I suppose. Paige was too, and I guess Luka was, but something wasn't right, I couldn't put my finger on it then, but I sure as hell know what it was now.  
  
Things just got progressively worse. Not noticeably at first but it really started to effect all of us. A thick tension hung in the air whenever me and Luka were in a room together and for once, it wasn't my doing.  
  
He started going out late, getting drunk. (Ha! Look who's talking!) Paige hardly ever saw him. He'd get in late, go out early. The most I ever got was a grunt. Despite that, those were the best days of my life. I got to spend my whole days with my gorgeous little girl and I loved every second of it.  
  
Perhaps that's why everything got so bad, I was so involved in my life as a mother I was oblivious to everything going on around me. I tried to talk to Susan, but we never got on like we used to. I could tell her and Carter were growing closer, I guess she was just annoyed with me for lying to him. We just drifted apart.  
  
Then Luka got fired. That was the beginning of the end really, the start of my hell. It's over now, but it will still haunt me for years to come. He had began too slip back in to his old life, getting into trouble at work, going out and bedding a different woman each night. I knew he was cheating on me, it was as plain as day, but oddly enough, I didn't care. I had Paige, that was all that mattered.  
  
It killed him. At the time, it seemed like he couldn't care less, but it slowly grated away at him. With nothing left to but sit at home and drink, that was all he did. Or go out and drink. I tried to help, I felt it was my duty as the wife, but it seemed to just make things worse.  
  
The more he drank, the more the tension built, until finally he snapped. He came home one night, he must've been in a bar fight or something, I don't know, but he still had anger bubbling under the surface that he needed to vent.  
  
I just happened to be the one to receive it.  
  
That whole night is just one big blur to me now. The mind has a funny way of blocking out things it doesn't want to remember, and that was one thing I definitely want to forget.  
  
All I remember is waking up the next morning, feeling like I had the mother of all hangovers and had walked into a wall. Luka was gone of course, he must have walked out afterwards. Perhaps out of guilt, or maybe in fear of being caught. I never could figure out how his mind worked.  
  
I know now though, I've finally worked it out.  
  
When he stumbled in a few days later, he had calmed down. He was just as drunk, but depressive drunk, not violent drunk. He looked like he had been sleeping rough, who knows what went on.  
  
I thank god that Paige wasn't there that night, but she was there other times. She wasn't stupid, she knew what went on and I hated myself for putting her through it.  
  
All that time, Susan and Carter were getting closer together. I hated seeing them everyday, seeing how happy they were while everything was going on in my life. I did my best to feel happy for them. I wanted everything to be back the way it was. I wanted to be able to talk to them again like I had before, there was a time when I wouldn't have hesitated to admit everything to them, but I was too scared of what they would think of me.  
  
The violence went on for a while, a few months maybe, I stopped counting the nights I spent crying in bed, and the nights I heard Paige crying. Luka disappeared most nights, but when he did come back he made up for all those nights. I tried to shield Paige from what was happening, I tried not to scream so as not to frighten her.  
  
But it only made things worse. It seemed the only reason Luka did what he did was to get a reaction out of me. He'd hit me and hit me until I begged him not to. I should've just taken Paige and walked out when it started.  
  
But I didn't. I didn't want another failed marriage. Can you believe that? I put mine and my child's lives at risk, all to avoid some stupid label from a society I didn't even have anything to do with anymore.  
  
My mistake might as well have cost me my life. There's nothing worth living for now.  
  
One night it wasn't just me Luka hurt. He turned on Paige too. He locked me in the next room and I could hear her scream. I have never forgotten that sound.  
  
I don't know what was different about that night, but Luka blurted out everything. He knew, he knew that Paige wasn't his, he had known for all those months since he was fired and had never said anything. That was why he got fired, for pulling confidential medical files. That was the official reason anyway, there must have been other things though. I knew him too well.  
  
Something to do with blood type. That red stuff flowing around your body that's mean to keep you alive. It may as well have killed me.  
  
For days after that I wouldn't go outside. I kept Paige in the house too, for fear of people seeing her bruises. I don't know what she felt, I think she blamed me for what happened. I blamed myself too, it was all my fault.  
  
A neighbour came round to borrow something and saw her wounds. Nosey cow, never could keep her nose out. She called social services of course, but there was no need to, I had a feeling Luka wouldn't come back, she was safe with me now.  
  
They took her away, I will never forget her cries for me as they dragged her away. I pleaded with them to leave her, didn't the fact that she wanted to stay count for anything? But apparently not.  
  
That was the last time I ever properly saw her. Susan must have found out what had happened, because the next time I saw Carter at work, I could tell he knew I lied. There was just a hurt look in his eye. I have always been able to read his emotions, and him mine. I'm surprised he didn't figure it out earlier, I guess he just didn't want to believe I would every do that to him.  
  
Then it was just me on my own. 4 months later I got word that Paige had gone to live with Carter and Susan. I was happy, but at the same time, devastated. I knew she was better off now and that she would be well looked after and free from harm, but I selfishly wanted her back. If I had kept in touch, If I didn't burn my bridges and ruin my friendships I might still be part of her life.  
  
I went to see her once, but I never went in. Susan and Carter had quit their jobs and they had moved to a nice house outside the city. I presume they wanted to take Paige away from all the bad memories but I couldn't help feeling that it was only to get away from me. It was her eighth birthday. I'd brought her a card and a teddy. Probably a bit babyish, I know but she always liked soft toys.  
  
I only got as far as the window. I saw them all sitting in the front room, opening presents and suddenly wanted to run away. She looked happy, I didn't want to spoil that. What if it wasn't paranoia? What if she really did hate me? I just couldn't spoil her life again.  
  
I just walked away, she never did get her teddy. I left it on the street but I doubt she ever found it. I wanted more than anything to take my daughter in my arms and tell her that I loved her and that everything would be ok, but I knew at the back of my mind that could never happen.  
  
It doesn't matter now, nothing matters. It's all over, Everyone's happy. Paige has her new life with her Daddy and I have mine. Or I will do soon.  
  
Luka came back a few months after that, you know. He said he'd changed, but I didn't believe him. Why should I? Men like that never change.  
  
He forced the door down, I didn't put up much of a fight. He must've thought it was his lucky day, far from it. I was waiting. I knew how his mind worked, I knew the pattern of events and I was waiting, waiting for him to do what he always did, to make the first move.  
  
But he didn't hurt me, I knew I was safe. Do you really think I would've let him in if I wasn't? Oh no, I knew what I was doing. He ran at me and I calmly stood there. But I stopped him, he never got the chance to hurt me.  
  
He'd worked out what I was doing but that didn't deter me. By the time he fully realised it was too late, it was over. He shouted, yeah, and begged. But it didn't make a difference. Just like it didn't for me all those times I begged him to stop. I wanted to make him see what it was like at the other end, what it was like to be on the receiving end of those blows.  
  
He's next door now, but I don't feel scared, I never will again.  
  
As I sit now, hunched in the corner of the living room floor, I know that he'll never get me again. I can see the blue and red lights flashing outside and can hear hammering on the door. I'll let them in, in a second, but I wish they weren't here. I can handle it on my own, just like I have since it all started.  
  
Not that it really makes a lot of difference, I've lost my daughter and my two best friends, I have nothing left. Still, I would prefer to be left alone.  
  
I sit here now, staring at the gleaming blade and the sticky pools of blood on the carpet and knew that the neighbours must've heard his shouts and called the police. He never could shut up. But I shut him up for good.  
  
I'm a nurse, I'm trained to save lives, not the opposite. I took a man's last breath but it doesn't make much of a difference to me, nothing does anymore. He's lying dead next door and at last I know he can never hurt me or my baby again. 


End file.
